Death Cafes
What They Are and Why You Should Think About Attending One
Having a place to talk openly and learn about death is the whole reason Read This Before Dying was created. But, of course, Read This Before Dying is not the first of its kind with plenty of other organizations and websites focusing on bringing death talk into the forefront. This week, I want to focus on one I only discovered in the last few months: Death Cafes.
A Death Cafe, originally organized by Swiss sociologist and anthropologist Bernard Crettaz in 2004 before Jon Underwood brought the idea to London in 2011 and officially started the Death Cafe movement, is according to their website “…a group directed discussion of death with no agenda, objective, or themes.” Basically, you get together with others, likely strangers, maybe have a little coffee or tea and a snack and have a round table discussion focused on all kinds of topics involving death. As soon as I read about it I knew a Death Cafe would be right up my alley. A group of people coming together and talking about death without anyone thinking you strange or morbid? I’m in! It’s also important to note that these gatherings are not grief support settings and any attendees should feel they are in the right place mentally and emotionally to discuss death related topics before attending a Death Cafe.
In March I was lucky enough to be able to attend my first Death Cafe hosted by Diana, an end-of-life doula from Sunset Crossings End-of-Life Doula Care taking place at a nearby library meeting room. I had been looking forward to it for a month and on the rainy day of, I wasn’t sure what to expect. But, when I arrived there were already seven people set up around a couple of tables and by the time the cafe started we were nine strong plus our host and even had to grab another table to fit everyone comfortably. Having never been to a Death Cafe before I was and continue to be unsure what the turn out is typically like but I was honestly impressed and excited to see such, in my opinion, a decent turn out of people ready to talk about death.
The group consisted of individuals from their late 20s to probably their 70s or 80s. All of varying ethnicities, religious backgrounds, types of careers, and comfort around talking about death. Some were there as a way to find like minded people to discuss a topic that is still often labeled taboo to talk of in mixed company while others came from families and backgrounds where everyone refused to talk about death until it happened. One man even admitted to randomly choosing to come to the cafe after seeing it in the library’s catalog of upcoming events the day before, which I think speaks to the interest and willingness of people to talk about death even when they hadn’t even thought about it before.
We began by going around the tables to introduce ourselves and give a brief explanation of why we came to the Death Cafe and with that out of the way, we began a 90 minute conversation that spanned everything from organ and body donations, to the best time to make/revise a will, and what everyone’s thoughts were in regards to living funerals. Diana was a great facilitator of the discussion and there were rarely moments of silence through out the conversation but she did have copies of conversation starters scattered around the table for anyone to bring up should they want and they did. The last 10 minutes were taken up by a quick fire round of open ended questions we each took turns answering. By the time the Death Cafe ended I felt like I had learned a lot, even writing down a handful of things to look up and check out that others brought up during our discussion.
Overall, I found attending the Death Cafe to be a worthwhile and fulfilling experience. It was a pleasure to be amongst a group of people actively wanting to talk about death and all that comes with it. The discussion was fun, respectful, and informative and there was never a vibe of morbidity that made anything feel too heavy. Like in any group setting, some people chose to share more often than others but it didn’t feel like anyone was running away with the conversation. Would I recommend attending a Death Cafe? Absolutely! I think they’re a great introduction for anyone interested in learning more about death or just wanting a place to be able to voice your concerns or interest in death related topics. I also think, since you’re typically going to be in a group of strangers, Death Cafes afford their attendees the opportunity to speak openly and honestly about the topic of death without judgement or worrying that someone will shut them down because their death talk is deemed “inappropriate.” Plus, if you’re more about observing to begin with, you won’t be pressured to actively join in the discussion until you're ready. Of course, this is all solely based off of my one good experience so be sure to do your research and look for a group that feels comfortable to you.
Death Cafes are a much needed space to allow us the freedom of talking about death in an atmosphere that is nonjudgmental with others who are like minded on the need to take death talk out of the realm of taboo topics. They don’t involve a lot of commitment, you can attend as you please, and are voluntarily run by people who just want to give others a place to be open and honest about death. I wouldn’t be surprised to find myself leading a Death Cafe in the future, either in this space online or in person, but until then you can find Death Cafes in your area through the Death Cafe website, by checking on Facebook with the term Death Cafe *insert your city/community,* or Googling the same way. You can also find access to virtual Death Cafes if none are currently available in your area.
What are your thoughts on the Death Cafe? Would you ever attend an event yourself? Do you think something like a Death Cafe is important to eradicating the stigma that surrounds talking about death? Why or why not? Let me know in the comments!