Letting Go
Tips on How and When to Declutter After a Loved One Dies
Three dumpsters, half a dozen bulk days, endless trash bags full of donation drop offs but there’s still more left.
When a person dies, they leave behind more than just heartache, they leave behind stuff. Sometimes it’s just a closet or garage to go through other times the whole entire house and for those who are left behind it can be overwhelming and difficult to tackle. Is it okay to get rid of this stuff? How soon is too soon? This is something they loved, should I just keep it? There are so many questions that can go through your mind.
The first dumpster filled after Sam’s death
In the year after my mom’s husband died, we left his stuff pretty much untouched. I didn’t want to rush my mom through her initial grieving process but after we hit the first anniversary, I knew we had to have a serious sit down about starting to go through Sam’s belongings. See, Sam was a collector of many things like toy/model cars, knick knacks, doo-dads, tools, and general junk/trash. He was a man who thought he could fix or tinker or use random bits and bobs to create anything from a standalone mantle to a flower box around the mailbox. Sometimes his creations were really great, like the simple box he built for my wedding (the last thing he worked on before his death,) but other times his quick fixes created more of a headache than a solution. After his death, there were pieces of him spread out through almost every room in the house, the front yard, and the entire garage. It was a lot.
I didn’t want my mom to get rid of things of Sam’s she wasn’t ready to part with but I did want her to be able to reclaim the space which meant at the very least we had to figure out what was important enough to keep either out or in storage, what was, to be frank, junk, and what we could give to family or donate. It’s been a long and tedious process that, to this day almost 5 years since Sam’s death, still isn’t totally complete. Know that if you’re in the same situation….I feel you.
But how do you decide when it’s time to get rid of stuff? That’s up to everyone individually with a lot of factors in place, like how close to the person you were, how much stuff is there, where you are in the grieving process, and is there a time crunch to clearing out the space, just to name a few. My mom was obviously way more tied to Sam’s belongings than I was so a year felt like a respectable amount of time to wait before I brought it up, but had it been up to me I would have started the clean out months earlier. Is it disrespectful to clean out your loved one’s belongings too early? I mean…what’s too early? It’s a personal choice. Just because you don’t love or want all of their stuff around doesn’t mean you don’t love or miss the person who died.
Okay, you’re finally in a place to tackle the big clean out, or maybe you just don’t have any other choice, so where do you start? I’m no expert, so take what I have to say for what it is: my opinion, but I have been there and continue to be there when it comes to cleaning up after dead loved ones so trust that I have your best interest and sanity in mind.
One of the first things you can do is reach out to family and friends who may be interested in keeping anything from your dead loved one’s possessions. This way, you’ll know some things are going to good homes with people who will care about them and the people who cared for your loved one get to hold on to something of their choosing to remember them by. It’s a win-win.
Once family and friends have had a chance to take anything they’d like, figure out which room is the one you see and use most and start there. There’s plenty to be said about starting in smaller spaces with less things to tackle or taking on the space with the most to go through and eating the frog as they say, but the area you’re going to occupy the most should be a place of chill vibes and relaxation not full blown grief or chaotic mess so no matter if it has the most or the least stuff to contend with, start there and give yourself a neutral home base. Ours was the living room but yours might be a bedroom, the kitchen, or an office.
Next up, focus on the stuff you KNOW would be considered trash, that you wouldn’t have any use for, or things your loved one didn’t even like like junk mail, magazines, unused notebooks or, in some cases literal trash like empty soda bottles and food wrappers. Maybe extras of things that hold no sentimental value like extra jars, candles, storage containers, or picture frames that are in okay shape but not worth keeping can be put into a donation pile.
Now comes arguably the most difficult part, sorting through all the sentimental items. Things they loved and things you inherently associate with them. I’m not gonna lie to you, this part will probably be emotionally rough. It will likely cause some tears and that’s perfectly fine. But it’s important to remember that at the end of the day these objects, collections, clothing, and well loved items are not the person you’ve lost. You are not obligated to keep anything just because someone you loved loved it. When you decide to let go of something you know your loved one wore a lot or really enjoyed using, you are not letting them go with it.
Jo Hamer, the Bereavement Coordinator for the Marie Curie Hospice in Bedford, England made a great point, “We will often want to keep a dead loved one’s possessions as a way of maintaining a bond with them. This is completely natural and understandable. But sometimes this can hold you back and keep you in the mindset of them still being around. Sometimes when people finally get rid of the dead person’s items, they can feel like a weight has been lifted and suddenly feel ready for a new start.”
The best case scenario when it comes to decluttering a space after a loved one’s death? Talking to them BEFORE they die to find out what they’d like done with their belongings like who gets what, what gets donated, and what can get pitched. Or, better yet, they do some sorting themselves by getting rid of the things they don’t use, want, need, or like well before their time comes and all their stuff becomes your problem. A friend of mine, after helping with the clean out of her grandmother’s house, begged her mom to start going through her stuff now as a way to make life easier for my friend and her brother once her parents die, and she’s made some decent progress from what I’ve heard. Sometimes it really is just as easy as bringing it up to make a big difference in the long run.
Everything you’ll ever read or listen to on the subject of decluttering a space after a loved one’s death will tell you it’s all very personal from the timing of when to start decluttering to what to get rid of because it is. You don’t have to go off of anyone’s timeline but your own. There’s not such thing as too soon or too long to decide you’re ready to get rid of your loved one’s items that don’t benefit you or your life moving forward. If you want to clean out your space but aren’t ready to fully let go of their items, you can always rent a storage unit (if you’re financially able) and reevaluate where you are in the process in 6 months. Ultimately, unless you are in a time crunch, you’re the only one who gets to decide when you’re ready to let go.
Have you had to clean out a loved one’s space after their death? Was it a harrowing experience or easier than you expected? What did you learn from the process? Would you take the initiative to start cleaning our your own space before you die in the hopes of making things easier on your loved ones or talk to them about what you want done with your things? Let me know all your thoughts in the comments!