Blue Christmas

6 Suggestions for Surviving Holiday Grief

While the holidays are often referred to as “the most wonderful time of the year” that might not always be the case for people in the throes of grief. It doesn’t matter if this is the first holiday season after a loved one's death or the 20th, grief often finds a way to make itself known no matter how prepared you think you might be.

If you’re new to grieving around the holidays or just looking for ways to make this time of year a little more manageable mentally and emotionally, I’ve put together a short list of suggestions on how to survive the holidays while grieving. Take what you need from it and if you’re grieving , leave your own tips on how you get through this time of year in the comments below.

6 Suggestions for Surviving Grief at the Holidays

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Feel What You’re Gonna Feel

Whether you’re feeling sad, angry, full of holiday spirit, or guilt for feeling any of those things, acknowledge them. Ignoring that you feel bad or good or indifferent won’t make the fact that you’re actually feeling the way you feel magically go away. So instead, allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling at this time of year without judgement from yourself because we all know we can often be our own worst critic.

Talk to Someone

Professionally or personally depending on where you are or what you need in your grieving journey. A therapist or support group could be helpful in making you feel less alone at a time in the year marketed as a time of togetherness while a friend or close family member might be the perfect person to talk about memories of your dead loved one that make you still feel connected to them even when they’re not here. 

Keep the Traditions Alive

When a loved one has died, it can be comforting to take part in the traditions they loved and were accustomed to each holiday season. Watch the same holiday movies, make the treat or meal they always loved this time of year, play card games after dinner like you usually would. You don’t have to give up your traditions just because the person you shared them with is no longer here to enjoy them. Sometimes the best thing in a time of hardship is surrounding yourself with something familiar.

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Make New Traditions 

But maybe the idea of trudging through old and shared traditions after your loved one’s death fills you with dread and sadness That’s okay! It’s perfectly reasonable to want to start fresh with new traditions and it doesn’t mean you’re ignoring your loved one’s memory. Maybe instead of the big family gathering or holiday dinner you participate in the classic movies and Chinese food or seeking out others who are going through the same thing as you and forming your own little club for doing festive or not festive things.   Creating a new tradition that brings you comfort and joy in your new normal is what’s most important no matter how big or small. 

Honor Your Loved One

Light a candle for them in your home each night, make a donation to a charity they loved or supported in their name, set out photos of them enjoying holidays past, or put out a memory box or jar and slips of paper for family and friends to share their favorite memories of your loved one. Whether you choose to honor them in a simple or grandiose way, it’s still remembering and including them in your celebrations that means the most. 

Cancel Christmas ( or Hanukkah, or New Year or whichever holiday you typically celebrate)

A wild notion, right? Especially when a lot of well meaning friends and family might be doing their absolute darnedest to help you get into the festive spirit by inviting you to parties, themed bars, or light shows. But if you’re not feeling it this year, it’s okay to say that and decide you’d rather spend the month vibing with your grief on your own terms. The holidays will be there next year and for this year you can spend the holiday doing whatever is comforting for you without feeling bad or guilty about it. But you should let those who love you know if you decide you don’t want to participate in the merriment this year so there’s no confusion on what to expect.

Whether you’re feeling up for celebrating the holidays this year or would rather hide in the house until January, the choice is ultimately yours. You’re allowed to have fun and enjoy the holiday season after a loved one dies but you’re also allowed to totally ignore it if it feels too overwhelming to celebrate when you’re feeling such a loss. Grief is complicated, especially during what is arguably the most difficult time of the year, so be kind to yourself, take a time out if you’re feeling overwhelmed, and remember it’s okay to set boundaries or ask for help if you need it. 

With that, I’m wishing you all a gentle holiday season and a pleasantly uneventful new year!